Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
