So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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