I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
