i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
