Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
what day is it and did you see me today?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
