So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
