Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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