I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
