so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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