Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
