i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
