We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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