Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
