On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
