Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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