i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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