I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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