I CAN MOONWALK!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
