I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
