I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
