gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
