I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
