Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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