I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
