they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The convent might be a nice break from real life
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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