I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
