The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
