I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
