I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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