I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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