May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You did what with his pubic hair?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
