I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
