how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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