i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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