y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
