Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Farmville is her only friend.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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