I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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