i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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