YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
