I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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