I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
