I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
