Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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