I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
