Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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