Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
