Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
