you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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