OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There's even glitter on my cock...
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