I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
