my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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