Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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