Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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